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“I’m so busy—I have to take the time..!”
The Christian Leader’s Support Group
by Phil Brewer Your Relational Support System. Ideally, you have a loving family, some good friends you can trust, and respectful regard in your ministerial milieu. But whatever the quality of your support system, you may want to consider organizing a support group of four or five peers. Friends and family are precious treasures and constitute part of our relational wellness. But your own support group, with its focus, accountability, honest feedback, mining of biblical truth, active listening, heartfelt prayer, sincere empathy, and shared vision offers profound benefits. The adventure of a functioning support group run in an atmosphere of courtesy, mutual dignity, and edification awaits you.
Seeking Candidates. Look for persons of like precious faith—who love God, whose lives are dedicated to faithful stewardship of the gospel of Jesus Christ (1 Corinthians 4). Look for men who basically share (or feel compatible with) your world view and Christocentric vision. And homogeneity of gender (all men or all women) seems to work best.
Caveat: Discouragement. A good support group takes time. You must resolve to do some ‘research and development’ before your ‘engineering’ is improved. One or two may drop out, or not show up in the first place. But lay all before God in your earnest prayer for a functional support group, be persistent, and He will bring it to pass.
Caveat: “Clones.” Cloned sameness (while appearing to double strengths) may also double weaknesses. Healthy heterogeneity can enrich the gather-ings: an intelligent youth pastor or dedicated music minister enjoying wisdom of older senior pastors; a first time church planter comparing notes with veterans; a liturgical or mainliner with an independent charismatic or classical Pentecostal. Godly representation from different ethnic and multicultural backgrounds can bless your koinonia and bring valuable perspective. A counselor, a chaplain, or parachurch leader can spice up the conversation.
Seek Wisdom. Pray for the Holy Spirit’s guidance to build a group of men/women who are rational, sensible, mentally healthy, and generally easy to get along with. (Someone who is chronically hostile, contentious, inappropriately suspic-ious, emotionally immature, a crank, a 'concrete thinker' who can't think abstractly, a grievance-collector, has a one-issue theology or simplistic hobby horse--usually needs more in-depth therapeutic ministry than the typical support group can offer.) 'High maintenance personalities' require 'high maintenance engineers' (life coaches!).And pray earnestly that your group will be focused: listening—observing, paraphrasing, understanding.
Transference Issues. Even though a pastor can’t have this luxury in his congregation, don’t build anyone into your support group whom you consistently feel uncomfortable or nervous around—or just don’t like. If you have sincerely brought this before the Lord, you may simply have a ‘transference issue’ and should just pray for that person from a distance. A support group can be chilled by transference issues (which often have nothing to do with his or your spirituality). For example, you may remind him (without realizing it) of a Little League coach he didn’t like, or he may remind you (unconsciously) of that prof who gave you a low grade, or that vicious ‘Diotrephes’ type church boss (cf. 3 John) who sabotaged your last pastorate and got you voted out! The typical support group doesn’t provide an appropriate arena for figuring out why you don’t like someone.
Phase One: Proactivity. Seek the Holy Spirit’s management. Make in-person and phone inquiries. Get Email addresses. Scan or snail mail this support group information to persons who may be interested. Invite four to six motivated persons to coffee. Agree to pray corporately regarding the support group. Stay in contact via Email and/or phone with those showing interest.
Phase Two: Organizing. Get together for an early breakfast discussion with the committed. Suggested maximum is six members per support group. Set the date for your first meeting. In the first support meeting, agree on a standard (albeit flexible for holidays or emergencies) time of the month and day of the week. Choose a ‘round robin’ location at the different homes, off-ices, (or comfortable and private church rooms) of group members. A full breakfast, or just snacks and beverages, may be offered as each member hosts the support group on his particular month. Suggested meeting time is from 8:00am to 1:30pm, one day a month—e.g.: second Thursday of each month. Of course, your group may choose a different schedule.
Phase Three: Management. Over the years several standard questions have proved helpful. Each member should try to manage his time in dealing with each question, while at the same time feeling relaxed enough to express himself candidly and fully. A support group member also has the privilege of deferring on a particular question (perhaps “all is well” in that category or he just may not want “to go there” at this time). One question might take forty-five minutes to go around the circle. Another question might be dealt with in a shorter period of time. In some meetings a particular member may need more focused empathy and time from the rest of the group. If profound issues emerge which seem beyond the scope of a support group, the member may want to talk privately with a qualified Christian consultant. Generally that life coach shouldn’t be in the same group, I think. While the support group has a very healing and encouraging purpose, it may not be able to function as psychotherapy or group therapy. Christian trust, based on absolute confidentiality, of course, is a must. Priority requires a prayerful sensitivity to the Holy Spirit’s leading (e.g.: “themes” for the day) and proper orchestration (i.e.: no domination of time by one of the members).
Phase Four: Suggested Support Group Questions. (“During this past month…)
1. …What has God been saying to you in His Word? (devotional Bible study and prayer-journaling—not just Sunday’s sermon if a pastor)
2. …How have you been using your time? (schedule, pacing, recreation)
3. …How are your relationships going? (family, friends, staff, ministry)
4. …How are things going personally? (stress, motivation, decisiveness, inertia, effectiveness, frustration, worry, anger, thinking, obsessions, perceptions, confidence, creativity, calling, hope, humor, health)
5. …What spiritual leadership principles have you learned--or desire to? (Are you growing in leadership-effectiveness & problem-solving?)
6. …How may we pray with you?” (wellness needs: physical, mental, spiritual, relational, economic, career-satisfaction--ministry, calling)
Support Group ‘peer-feedback’ can help one realize things like…1. Life (& ministry) is a marathon not a fifty-yard dash (pacing, more time with the 'strong' than 'weak', sabbaticals, 'time-out'--not just 'time off').
2. Clearly defined boundaries, limitations, and 'compartmentalizing'--stall burnout.
3. Religious institutions were made for man (not vice versa) (“The sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath”). Don’t be too 'religiously-pre-occupied'.
4. One must not derive too much self identity from 'role-image: “...have a life.”
5. Idealistic expectations can be blunted and lowered (accurate reality-testing).
6. Creativity, self-care, healthy humor, being flexible—help maintain wellness.
7. Difficult people and problems can be coped with (or seek God and move on!).
8. "The battle is the Lord’s"--become a Satisfied-Satisfier instead of a Frustrated-
Satisfier. (Frustrated-Satisfiers can backslide into Frustrated-Frustraters).
9. Your own handicaps & perceptual distortions may be managed and corrected.
10. Inspiration & encouragement from your group is available during blah times.
11. Support during personal struggles--e.g.:loneliness, alienation, sickness.
12. Build an enduring close friendship or two perhaps from your Support Group.
13. Develop insight re: how you come across to others (e.g.: facial expressions, mannerisms, habits, personal hygiene, communication style). Do you need voice-coaching to help you project properly with intercostal diaphragmatic breathing—because you preach with an effeminate, high, squeaky-squawky voice--torturous to listen to? [Many leaders have no insight regarding how tedious it is to listen to their perhaps good material—because of poor voice projection and lame rapport! Sadly, others may just be boring--blunt 'affect', emotionally cold, with impoverished and uninteresting no listen-no study-no pray lives--droning on-and-on--superficial and self-absorbed--with no depth of rich humor, satire, irony, paradox, or metaphor. Some are judgment-impaired magical thinkers--or secret-lifers*--some feel compelled to be on TV.]
14. Not trying to do God’s work--without God’s power. Like it or not (cf. Acts) the effective Christian leader must walk in the Spirit (as the leaders go--so go the people). The Spirit stops 'policy wonks', 'control freaks', 'toadie collectors', and attention-seekers. The Pneumatic (Spirit-empowered--Zech. 4:6) minister of Christ must not only have a healthy Christology but experiential knowledge and practice of a sound Pneumatology. (Who is in charge here?)
15. An honest Support Group can be an arena for the soul-healing confession--that artificial charm, secular market-driven purposes, programs, and the strange fire of carnal charisma have failed miserably to reach souls in the stewardship of Jesus Christ. My dear minister-Father told me about the deacons in a rural Kentucky church, who, when asked, “What is the anointing of the Spirit?” replied, “We don’t know if we could define what it is…but we sho-do-know-what-it-ain’t…”
EMMAUS
Christian Leadership Assistance ProgramPhilip C. Brewer, Director
(e) CounselPro@gmail.com
(Online LifeCoaching): http://christianleaderlifecoaching.com
Copyright © 2002-2003-2004-2005-2008 by Philip C. Brewer All Rights Reserved